Married but alone

MARRIED BUT LONELY, DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT IN
MARRIAGE
PRELUDE
The basis of a good marital life lies in the feeling and deep sense of belonging which
partners feel and have for each other right from the time they were acquaintances, through
courtship and the marriage. Often him through the change of time and space you begin to
witness a slag in the love that is given and received. This dwindling in love given and
received occurs when one or both partners feel insecurity, ignored or undesired.
A great number of married women are often victims of a incredible solitude even amidst a
seemingly successful and healthy relationship. Instead of feeling happy and content in
their marriages even when their spouse is not putting up cold shoulder, they still feel alone
though their partners are very much alive and close by.
This feeling often becomes evident in a relation where one or both spouses become too
busy either with work or hobby that leads to the negligence of the other spouse. And this
can come up as a result of emotional detacher or abandonment.
MARRIED BUT LONELY
There is often a misconception that majority of the people have. This misconception is
what loneliness is or rather what it feels like to be lonely. One can be married with many
children, have a successful job, good health, real friends and family and still feel like the
loneliest person in the world. This is not subject to physical entities like family and friends
that may surround the victim, but the psychological and emotional makeup. This
loneliness is the one of the factors that will lead to emotional abandonment that would be
discussed below:
EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT
Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired,
left behind, insured or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at
a loss, cut off from a crucial source of substance that has been withdrawn either suddenly
or through a gradual process of erosion.

A partner can provide money rent, gifts for valentine, pay your bills and take adequate
care of the children (if any) say those right words when you need them but you shall feel
that emotional strip and seems to be left in a place where words can barely describe.
CAUSE OF EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT
As aforementioned, that even in a healthy relationship, there are periods, days and even
moments of emotional abandonment. This may be brought into play either consciously or
unconsciously. It is also good to note that this emotional abandonment has not being there
since the outset of the relationship. It rather shows us as change takes its turn in human
nature.

Some of the causes would be discussed:
(1)Lack of healthy communication: when there is a severe in the healthy
communication link between two partners, there is a great possibility that they
would begin to abandon each other emotionally. This is because it is through this
communication link that partners get to share their feelings and emotions. Where
one or both partners do not share openly, listen with respect or respond with keen
interest to the other, then they are simply creating room for emotional
abandonment. One partner would begin to feel ignored and that partner doesn’t
understand and care anymore about what he/she is communicating. Then there is a
chance that eventually the affected partner may tend to stop talking to him/her.
Walls gradually begin to build around them and with passage of time, find
themselves in a separate world.
(2)Unresolved resentments:
Resentments easily develop in relationship when you’re feeling, especially hurt or
anger aren’t expressed. When closer look is taken at you, you may either pull away
emotionally or push your partner away with criticism and undermining comments.
If you have an expectation that you don’t communication but instead believe that
our partner should be able to guess or intuit then, you are simply setting yourself up
for disappointment and resentment. This expectation could be inform of apology,
assistance in business, change of a particular habit etc.

(3)Fear of intimacy:
When one or both partners fears intimacy. One may lend to pull away, put up walls
or push the other away. This fear if intimacy isn’t usually conscious. It occurs when
they are not able to talk about their ambivalence which is intended to allow them
get closer.
Most of the time abandoning behavior occurs after a period of closeness or sex. One
person may physically withdraw or create distance by not talking or even by talking
too much. Either ways, it may leave the person feeling lonely and abandoned. The
fear of intimacy is often stemmed from emotional abandonment in childhood.
(4)Infidelity:
If there is a high conflict, abuse or infidelity, some of the emotional needs will then
go unmet. Sometimes infidelity is a symptom of emotional abandonment in a
relationship.
Additionally, if one partner is addicted, the other feels neglected because the
addiction comes first and consumes the addict’s attention, preventing him/her from
being emotionally present
DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT
It is worthy to note, that it is not the fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationship,
rather it’s now we handle it.
People who have in one way or the other experienced abandonment fell anything save self
assured. They feel lost, undesired, discarded, insignificant and helpless. Abandonment is a
traumatic shock to your emotional system. This is because you are suddenly cut off from
a significant relationship. Life after abandonment involves tireless effort to fill this
emotional void. Not minding there are shall some antibodies for a happy life.
(1)Having a realistic expectation:
Try to handle some of the problems that may erupt from a relationship. Wanting too
much too soon isn’t the best way of captivating your partner rather a means of
widening the emotional void. Don’t solely rely on your partner for your well being.

Having a realistic expectation helps in shaping your life in a particular way that avoids
resentments of all sort.
(2)Self validation:
Most of the victims of abandonment are highly reliant on external validation to
make them feel confident. They often say “I need constant reinforcement to verify
that people me, so I can feel good about myself”. Their self esteem is dragged in the
mud and they think they are not good for anything. You have to hold up your head
high and resuscitate yourself emotionally.
(3)Be the person you want your partner to be often times:
Partners tend to forget totally about themselves and focus on fixing the other. Being
a perfect example of what you want your partner, goes a long way of eradicating
criticism and undermining statements. Most people would rather turn blind eye and
tolerate their depravity than acknowledge its existence. Remember that it’s much
easier to blame your partner than to seeing that the fault is really from you. That’s
when statements like “it only he notices me”, “If she would just listen to me” comes
into play to widen the void emotionally. The first person to confront is you

CONCLUSION
Building a strong self will stir up your anxiety, but each time you try abstaining from
reassurance seeking and controlling behaviors, you strengthen your emotional muscles.
Use your relationship insecurity as an opportunity to learn how to transfer your pain into
personal emotional growth. What if this emotional abandonment would is an invitation for
you to reorganize yourself into a more resilient person. Without the test of our capacity we
may not be able to discover the strength mat resides in us.

Thanks for reading

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